Kudos to Mama Carol

Carol Ruth Hodges Yearwood

(09/12/1939 - 05/17/2021)

We are here to celebrate the impact, not the absence, of a great woman. 

I am certainly not the person most knowledgeable about who Ms. Carol was, there was just not enough time.  I can only bare witness to the encounters she and I had together as we made an effort to get to know each other.  I think we did good, Mama.

In the short months we spent together, I was able to conclude that Ms. Carol was a kind hearted, strong minded woman who spoke fondly of her childhood, had a fierce love of the Lord and family, and a special

unbreakable bond with her sisters, Linda and Mary Sue.  I remember one day sending her a text stating  something like 'Thank you for raising such a fine son.’  She responded,  “David loves you very much.”   That simple response told me Ms. Carol was the no nonsense type and did not respond well to flattery.  

The greatest piece of wisdom Mom Carol ever shared with me was “when you see DD you see his father.”  I value those words so much.  Those words allowed me a peek into the patience, love and sacrifices David Sr. made for his family.  Those words bound us into a family.   And I am grateful. 

Dare I say that Ms. Carol refused to leave until she was good and ready?  Can you just imagine God trying to convince her that it was time?  “Well now Carol, you have been away for a spell, it’s time for you to come on home.”   I always imagine God speaking with a country twang.  And Ms. Carol would answer cool as a cucumber, “I really can’t tonight Lord, Rachel Maddow is on at 9 p.m., the puppies need me and besides, DD isn’t married yet.” 

A cute story I would love to share with you, is of the three of us, Dave, Mom and I; driving down to St. Augustine, admiring the mansions, breathing in the fresh sea air and grabbing lunch before heading back.  It was something we did frequently.  Mom loved St. Augustine.  I was sitting in the backseat because it was more comfortable for her to sit in the front and after a decent amount of pleasant chatter, we fell into a comfortable silence; .  Well, I decided it was a good idea to belt out a few cords of Hee Haw’s “Doom, Despair and Agony on Me.” They both looked at each other but did not utter a single word.  You would have thought I would have gotten the message and gone back to admiring the scenery after that non reaction, right?  Oh no.  I finished that rendition with “You picked a fine time to leave me Lucille”  I have never mastered the art of “Peace be still”  For those who need a Biblical reference:  Matthew 8:26.   I remember thinking, Gladys, you are never going to hear from this man again.  Little did I know that both Mom and my now husband are both big Hee Haw fans!!  I was forgiven.  God is Good!!!

Ms. Carol was delighted when Dave and I decided to marry.  She was tickled pink at the thought of becoming a grandma and great grandma on the same day.  She began memorizing names and birthdays from day one.  But more than that, Mom Carol was determined to be a good mother in law.  She said as much to me.  Actually gave me permission to let her know if she was ever mean or rude.  I never did.  Because it never happened.  You did really well Mom.  There is a saying somewhere that as long as we remember someone they will always be alive.  The love I see displayed today tells me she will be around forever.  

I found a cute poem among her things which is whimsical.   I am sure Mom Carol kept it for a reason.  Hopefully it will capture her great sense of humor along with her love of dear friends; it’s named When My Friends and I are Old.

When my Friends and I are Old

We shall wear Purple

We will spend our Saturdays seeking out 

every Garage Sale within a 10-mile radius.

We will critique the bargains and say, “Oh, remember this -

I used to have one of these!”  We will grocery shop all about town,

Hunting down the sales and tasting deli samples at each stop.

We will make promises to each other, like - never wear plastic rainbonnets -

Never wear nylon knee - hi’s with a dress - and always keep a pen and paper next to  your bed so you don’t forget those night-time thoughts. 

We will walk the Malls at six a.m. and wear shirts that say, “Grandmothers

Are Sexy”.  We’ll have a glass of wine at dusk - gossip a little and giggle

Alot.  We will do all these things and more - my friends and I when we grow old and start to wear Purple!!!

 

Coming to Terms with the Times

This article is very difficult for me to write for so many reasons.  The main one is that no matter how careful I am, the subject is so controversial, that someone will be offended.  And that is not my intent at all.

In order to accurately portray my personal views on this matter, I have to give you some personal information.  When I met my children's father I was 16 years old.  By 17, I was a wife and by 18 a mother.   I laughed at hearing that my ex husband complained to our daughter that he couldn't figured out why I had changed towards the end of our marriage.  Well, I believe it is called reaching adulthood.

In that phase of my life, it was more important to me to find a way out of my mother's house, where I felt unsafe, than to consider what future awaited me with this man. 

For the most part it went well, according to my naive standards of marriage, until I realized 6 years and three kids later that he never honored his marriage vows.  Even then, I subjected myself to 5 more years with him because I was reluctant to raise my children without a father.  I am tempted to elaborate further but will show restraint.  This rehashing of my past is not meant to be a mini autobiography nor a much delayed venting session.  But rather a springboard unto the subjects which I would like to discuss that have such an impact on women's lives.

The the gist of this commentary is to give my insight as a woman, mother, wife and Christian in the discussion on the current controversies regarding women and our rights.  The attacks are not just about Roe vs Wade.  It is also about wage inequality, contraception, childcare and other issues which directly affects women in mostly detrimental ways.  This is not meant to be presented as a scientific dissertation.  But as the voice of a woman, on the other side of 50,  who has lived through unique experiences and whose views might actually give someone, regardless of gender, a new and different perspective.

I am aware that some will take my writings out of context or perhaps simply refuse to validate my stance.  In that case, I accept your right to your conviction and ask that you please grant me the same courtesy.

I want to make perfectly clear that I do not advocate abortion but I am Pro-Choice.  The modern contested debate between Pro-Choice and Pro-Life is a movement decades in the making that has been developed by various entities which are not the focus of my declaration.  My strong Christian beliefs prohibited me from ever considering such an option as abortion; regardless of my marital or economic situation at home.  

Besides, Pro-Choice was never about abortion, the movement was hard fought to allow women the legal right of seeking medical attention; without putting their lives at risk.  Some might be outraged at this point and scream in indignation, "life begins at conception."  To that I reply, "what of an embryo which attaches to a fallopian tube?"  In the U.S., ectopic pregnancies occur in 1% to 3% of all pregnancies. Although conception has certainly occurred, I doubt that anyone would disagree with the fact that the pregnancy is not viable.  The embryo will not develop into a human, and if not removed surgically, is surely life threatening.

Some act in our country as if abortions only materialized when the ink on the Roe vs Wade ruling dried.  Women have been victimized by patriarchal societies throughout centuries and denying women the right to their own autonomy is as old as Eve.  Pro-Choice allows women the choice to decide whether or not to continue with her pregnancy; Pro-Life forces her to continue with the pregnancy regardless of the circumstances and disregarding her basic human rights.

Ladies and gentlemen, Roe vs Wade is about decriminalizing the act of seeking a specific medical procedure.  A procedure which applies only to the female population.  A procedure which countless women throughout known history have been willing to risk their lives to get.  I believe life is precious and shouldn't be taken lightly.  I doubt that any woman finds it easy to choose to have an abortion.  And I am sure that it takes an emotional, spiritual and physical toll on them.  But to "force any woman to carry to full term a pregnancy is equivalent to women being reduced to human incubators." Women as Incubators: How US Law Dehumanizes Pregnant Women, Linda C. Fentiman (https://www.vice.com/en/article/d3gpwz/women-incubators-us-law-criminalizes-pregnant-women).  

May I make some suggestions that could in time help combat the epidemic of abortions in our country?  Women are less likely to abort if they do not see pregnancy as another financial burden.  Denying women certain protections such as paid maternity leave, is for example, one of the many financial setbacks women face in the workforce.  Another is the lack of affordable childcare.  The rise of violence to women also needs to be addressed.  Women who are impregnated due to rape or other unwanted circumstances need counseling; not exposure to further trauma.  Making mental health issues among childbearing women another national crisis.  Tackling the recent negative wave of making contraceptives accessible and affordable is also advisable.  It may greatly reduce unwanted pregnancies; which happens to be the main reason for abortions.  

And let's not forget to mention the atrocious adoption process in our country.  An option dangled to women for years as an alternative to an abortion.  The average time for an adoption can be lengthy, leaving a child languishing in the child care system for several years.  The system is broken.  It discriminates against family compositions and is not affordable to those who would make perfectly good parents otherwise.

I do hope that we as a nation take a sincere look at ourselves and search for some compassionate solutions to at least those things we actually have control over.  Lets mentor a young lady.  Share the wisdom of your life journey.  Talk to her about your faith and how it has helped you.  Let her know she has options.  And once she makes her decision, regardless of her choice, help her move forward.  To do otherwise is inhumane and counterproductive to our nation.  

Our Family's Compass; Juan Pablo "Speedy" Zayas (November 08, 1973 - June 11, 2021)

I am Gladys Echevarria Rivera.  The youngest Maternal Aunt of Juan Pablo "Speedy" Zayas.  I have been given the honor of speaking on behalf of the family, and in doing so, shall give you a glimpse of the wonderful person who we lovingly knew as Speedy.  Thank you for joining us in celebrating his life.

The departure of a loved one is not an easy process to those of us who stay behind.  Specially when it comes so unexpectedly and on the heels of the loss of our beloved Leo, less than a month ago.  Those here are a testimony to the love and strength of our family.  A love and endurance Speedy was so very much a part of.

My first memories of Speedy were of him wailing and waking me up in the middle of the night to change and feed him.  He was around 10 months old and I around 9 years old.  Soon a crib magically appeared for him in my bedroom because the decision was made that he was staying with us for a while.  I did not mind the loss of sleep.  Speedy was my big, greedy baby.  You see, I did not play with dolls.  Speedy and his big brother Cheerios were my real life Cabbage Patch kids.

Speedy was inquisitive about life.  Kind to everyone.  Generous to a fault.  Quick to laugh and say "Oh my Bad" when he crossed a boundary.  If he thought you were holding out on him and needed more information a simple "Holla" did the trick.  And boy could he carry a tune.  Beautiful voice.  He was the one who nicknamed me the "family pitbull."  A label I proudly accepted because I understood he was giving me a compliment.  When I caught COVID last year, he stepped up and made sure I was taken care of.  He didn't have to do that, but that is who he was.  I made sure he knew how grateful I was and he simply brushed it away telling me it was nothing. 

Speedy did not have an easy life.  He was plagued by muscle dystrophy in his legs since birth.  A condition which causes constant pain and difficulty in walking.  Yet, I have never met a more hard working person in my life.  Or ever heard him complain.  On the contrary, he always put others first.  In a cruel twist of fate, and at an early age, he was abruptly separated from those he loved the most.   Perhaps that was the pivotal moment which burned in him the desire to become a great father.  Speedy dedicated himself completely to his family.  Playing the part of the devoted husband and family man as only he could.  I hope Dario, Lyonna and Destiny know that they were deeply and unconditionally loved by their father.  Look around, this family is your father's labor of love.  We are here willing to stand with you in this difficult time.  

My last memories of him will be of us spending a weekend in Kissimmee, FL, just a few weeks ago.  He was my Sous Chef as I prepared a Paella.  As he chopped up the peppers and onions, we caught up on family gossip.  Before dinner, we swam in the pool and I introduced him to Merlot.  He was impressed and promised to give it chance.  But that lasted about 10 minutes.  Soon after he poured himself a rum and coke.   When my fiancé told Speedy his favorite Italian dish was Chicken Parmesan, he made us promise to come by for lunch before heading back home to Jacksonville the next day.  To quote Dave's words, "That was the best Chicken Parmesan I ever had."  For those who did not know, Speedy was a sought-after Chef for many years at various Italian Restaurants throughout South Beach.  

I would like read out some anonymous quotes and memories from those who knew him best:  

He accepted me as I was regardless of what stage in my life I was.  He always asked me, "Are you happy?  Yes?  Then I am good."

Always gave good advice.  "Go for what you want." He always reminded people of what they had.  Of their blessings.

His laugh.  Big and Loud.  Lite up a room.  He was a silly goose. Biggest Heart.

Silence.  Grief would not allow some to say anything.  And kept their memories to themselves.  And that is okay.  Your silence speaks volumes.

Selfless and Kind.  We would battle it out in the kitchen.  But his Italian dishes were untouchable.  I will miss us cooking together.

Speedy was the biggest gift I could have given my mother.   Since the age of 2 months, he was in her home more often then not.  When asked who nicknamed him Speedy, Marilyn stated that she did after the cartoon character Speedy Gonzalez.  (This one I could not keep anonymous since pretty much anyone can figure out who Speedy's mom is).

He had the greatest smile.  Kind.  My right hand man.  When it came to man to man issues, he was my confidant. 

Speedy was a great motivator.  Had high expectations of himself and others.  Always looked at things from a positive perspective.  You could see the love he projected unto others.

Speedy always believed in family and loved hard.  The goodness in him didn't like to see people struggle or hurt.  He was that guy who was a friend to many girls and most girls fell for him because he was a good listener.  He was compassionate and forgave those who did him wrong.  He didn't hold grudges and despite the pain he felt physically and emotionally he always put other people before himself.  He was an Empath.

He was a take his shirt of his back kind of guy.  Thoughtful.  I remember him as an infant laying on his back after surgery on his legs.  Doctors stated he would never walk again but his perseverance and big heart allowed him to push through life and overcome his disability.  Speedy to me was more than just a nephew.  He was a friend, someone you can count on, someone to talk to, a great father to his children and my little brother.  

In looking for a text through my phone a couple of days ago, I found the last text Speedy and I shared.  It was dated June 1, of this year.  I sent him a Christian song I had just listened to and I knew it would speak to him, as it did to me.  It talks about pain and suffering being almost gone because we are almost home.  

I would like to leave you with this Bible verse  before playing the song:

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-11

 1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven;

 2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

 3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up,

 4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

 5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

 6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

 7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

 8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

 9 What profit hath he that worketh in that wherein he laboureth? 

10 I have seen the travail, which God hath given to the sons of men to be exercised in it.

11. He hath made every thing beautiful in his time; also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.

Please listen to this beautiful song, Almost Home by MercyMe and let it's lyrics comfort you.

Love you and miss you Baby Boy!!!

Titi G.

I Hope You Went Home

Dedicated to:  Marisel Zayas

I hope you went home Brother

And left nothing undone

All quarrels and sorrows behind you

Gladness only those things sought.

I hope you went home Brother

And met with Mom and your Dad

Hey and even mine.

And Nano and Lillian 

and Victor please find.

I hope you went home Brother

And bathe in salvation’s light

And slowly remember how it felt

To breathe without bind.

I hope you went home Brother

And are patiently waiting for us, the rest

Your wait shall be peaceful

Not like the battle you met.

But do know big Brother

That a lesson you taught

Because in enduring such pain

a soldier was forged.

So don’t dilly daddle

In awe of the clouds

And enter sweet heaven

And receive your crown.

Edwin Zayas Rivera

04/05/1955 - 12/11/2020. RIP

Start Walking Together

In one of our many conversations, which by the way I adore, you asked, "How do I take care of a woman?"  The feminist in me wanted to scream "There is no need, women can take care of themselves!" but the sensible woman in search of love connected with your concern.  This simple and otherwise unassuming question touched my heart and inspired me to write this open letter to you.  The question encapsulates the role that you wish to play in my life.  That of protector and provider.  A very masculine characteristic.  And I get that.  I will attempt to answer your question, the best way I know how.   I will try to paint you a landscape with gentle paths in the hopes that it may lead us into peaceful and loving destinations.  I chose to pour my heart out to you in words.  As we start walking together in this heartfelt journey.

I don't mind questions.  It shows that you are interested in knowing me.  I detest when people assume they know you without taking the time to get to know who you actually are.  In skipping the process of courting, the assessment made is based more on conclusions arrived with a past experience, rather than the person in front of you.  And that is not fair to anyone.  We should be seeking and looking forward to so many first encounters tailored specifically to us.

And with that in mind, I want you to know that I asked God for three specific attributes in my future husband:

1. That he be God fearing.  A God fearing man knows the meaning of true love.  God has specific instructions when it comes to how a man is to treat his mate.  He is to love, honor, respect and protect his wife.  I want all of those.

2. That he be kind.  Kindness involves so much more than just the act of being kind.  It involves patience and selflessness and devotion.

3. And that he be of a Generous Spirit.  Generous of his Time.  Generous with his Laughter and his Affection.

I believe that a man should be present.  Present in the moment, in mind and heart.  Available when I need to run something by him.  Not because I lack the skill to make a decision, but because I value his input.  Opinions are like little windows that allow a peek into the heart and speaks volumes about one's character.  Which in turn allows me to better assess intentions.

I believe women should express themselves freely and openly so that each partner understands what the other expects in a relationship.  Communication between the sexes is so important and smooths the way into a harmonious existence.   Men need to know that they are enough.  Women that they are safe.

As a general practice, include me in your everyday.  Make me feel that I am part of your world and your life.  Let me know that you are thinking of me, in little ways.  In subtle ways.  I, in turn, will do the same.  Perhaps you have come to the conclusion, as I have, that this walking together is a job for the both of us.  And in seeking to understand how to take care of your woman, you are assuring the happiness of the one who will gladly care for you.

For Dave

The Empanada Club

So, I have become just a little bit famous in my corner of the world for making beef empanadas.  My friends love them.  Whether they are co-workers or regular everyday friends.  They love my empanadas.  Empanadas are dough discs filled with just about anything you want to put in them.  Beef, chicken or pork.  Heck, it doesn't have to be meat at all.  You can turn an empanada into a pastry by simply substituting your savory meats with guava and cream cheese.  Yum!!!   When ready,  place your filling in the middle, fold it, seal it and wala!!!   They can be deep fried, baked or utilize an air fryer.  You have something so delicious, yet so simple!!!  But don't tell anyone!!!  It's our little secret!!!

On Tuesday, I happen to mention to my small circle of dear girl friends that I was making empanadas the next day and that bit of information turned into an impromptu get together.  They came over, we joked and laughed.  There was wine and we let our hair down.  I love this particular group of women.  The youngest in her late 30's the oldest in her sixties, yet we all find common ground when we get together.  I don't know what it is and it really doesn't matter.  The only thing that does matter is that we enjoy and uplift each other.  There is respect and safety among us.  Respect for who we are and the validation of our feelings; no matter how mundane we might perceive our feelings to be.  Safety in knowing that what is discussed and shared will remain confidential; and more importantly not minimized or belittled.  That is so important in cultivating trust.

I made hummus, which was a big hit.  Spicy of course!!!  And a dilemma arose when the garbanzo beans had a tough outer shell which needed to be peeled.  The atmosphere was as if we were back to a time when women would divide the work and make great things happen, like sow a quilt or weave a rug.  Those were times when women gathered happily and bonded.  I told Nell that the outer shell was a called a cousin.  She thought that was actually a thing.  We busted out laughing when the gig was up and Sherry, mischievous Sherry, started calling the garbanzo shells primos (Spanish for cousin)!!!  You just had to be there!!! 

Later, much later, Erica showed up and simply fell in love with Nico.  Oh, wait, I didn't tell you about Nico.  Well, earlier in the day, I was on my way to a doctors' appointment and was stopped at a red light and this itty bitty white fluff of a dog was dodging under the cars in front of me.  Fortunately, I had not had time to eat my breakfast that morning so I took it with me.  Well, Nico ended up eating my breakfast.  That was what I used to entice him to come to me and eventually into the car.  I am now the proud owner of an unknown breed of an itty bitty white fluff of a dog named Nico!!  Now, back to Erica, she fell in love with my doggie.   She calls him, her doggie.  It's so cute really.  I have a feeling Nico has three instant aunties on duty.

Some how while stuffing ourselves with empanadas and the chatter and the laughter and the dog running around; we decided to call ourselves The Empanada Club.  I was inspired to put to ink our adventures and to officially inform the world that there is such a thing as a sisterhood, women who share no other bond but the appreciation of joyful moments spent in each other's company and that, ladies and gentlemen, is more than enough for us.  Well done empanaditas.  Well done.

Check Mate

I understand giving God His due 
and putting Him first, in all that you do.
And Mama can not be forgotten,
I would never dream of demanding for me,
your precious time with her.

Brothers and cousins, have always been there.
My entrance into your picture has only seconds,
in the gran scheme, if measured.
Understandably, I patiently wait, to see if you dare.
And conclude, I am last in your pile full of cares.

You worry and fret and live in the past.
Claiming not to have felt God in a while.
Not once giving value to the blessings before you.
While you move me further down
on your list of insignificance.
The familiarity of dread seeping into my soul
is my trumpet and wake up call.

Take a deep breath.
You over played your hand.
God got this.