Remembering Mama

Dedicated To Queen Bee

Antonia Rivera Martinez (July 16, 1935-November 2, 2014)

Today is Mother's Day.  And what better way to honor all us mothers than to honor our own mother. That one constant in our lives, whether she is here, or far, or not with us at all.  It really doesn't lessen her influence.  If you are truly sincere with yourself, if you examen the reason why you think the way you do, why you feel the way you do, why you solve certain problems the way you do; the answer lies in a sneaky, intelligent, wonderful woman behind all that creativity, your own Mother.

Everyday, I think of Mama.  There is no getting around it, there is no denying it, so why bother.  I see children in their wonderful ways and I think of Mama and how she would gush at them.  And find a way to interact.  Mama was wickedly wise.  She was never book smart, but she was street smart.  She was the type that saw a difficult situation and somehow figured out a way to make it tolerable, manageable.  And helped us all get through it.

I say this all the time, but perhaps some have not heard it, I learned unconditional love from my mother.  I learned that no matter what, family comes first.  That no matter how little food there is in cabinets, you always make a little more just in case someone shows up.  And no matter how crowded the house was (with 11 children in the house, I am pretty sure that bunk beds were invented with us in mind), there was always room for one more.  And no one was turned away.  That is the kind of love our mother taught me.

Was she perfect? Not even close.  But people are not meant to be perfect.  And when your hero makes mistakes, it can have devastating effects.  But then you grow up.  And you realize that sometimes things were just a little bit different than what your 6, 8 or 11 year old mind remembers.  And something inside your heart falls into place.  And you realize the sacrifices, and the strength and the gall she had.  And you breath.  And you smile.  And your hero materializes again.

Do I have regrets?  Yes. There is always the notion of thinking how you could have called more, or visited more or paid closer attention.  Missed opportunities.  Never to come again.  And all one can do is pick up the phone.  And call more often.  And make that plane reservation and visit more often. And hear the little children and pay closer attention.  Because the legacy we leave behind is not material; it is love, and kindness, and guidance, and good advice.

This is to all the strong, beautiful, determined, creative, stubborn women in my family.  We all make Mama proud.  God Bless you all.

Happy Mother's Day!!!

In Retrospect

It is a sad thing to see when one of your children, the one that you have devoted so much love and attention to, suddenly informs you that she has had enough of you and tells you goodbye.  I guess I took a little too long to heal this time. I guess I have taken too long to become successful, rich, thin...the type of mother she would be proud of.

I guess it doesn't matter that I took her side, time and time again, even when I knew she was wrong, just because I wish I had had someone on my side as a child.  For that, I publicly apologize to my sons.  I should have listened to you more and cuddled her less.

I was trying to build a strong independent woman.  A woman who no matter what circumstances she found herself in, would be capable to stand on her own two feet and be the only one who chose what her destiny was going to be.  A woman who didn't need anyone to lift her up and make her soar.  A woman who can count on her wits and charms to make her dreams come true.  Well, I guess, I'm better at what I do than I thought.  My daughter is all those things and more.  I guess in all the lessons I was teaching my precious daughter, in making her so independent that she relied on no one, I forgot to teach her one more; compassion.

Funny thing that such an artistic person, who deals with music, colors, fashion, abstract objects and deals with multi-dimensional individuals on a daily basis, can be so "black and white" in her personal views.   A conservative artist.  That is who she is.  Quite an oxymoron.

All in all, I have no regrets.  I raised her and my other two children with an eye on the future.  I taught them to think for themselves, to be proud of who they are, of their heritage, of their family, to stand up for themselves and not allow others to take advantage of them.  To break the cycle of poverty, abuse and ignorance that I was born into.  And that, I have accomplished.  That, no one can take from them.  Or from me.  Not even her.